Growing Up & Out: Dealing with Changing Social Circles
Growing up, we all grew out of clothes and shoes so quickly that we probably did not get to wear all of the cute stuff our parents got us when we were newborns. That favorite pair of sandals you had in the 5th grade were exposed to the world only twice before your feet grew another size and a half.
We also grew out of ideas as we aged – maybe you remember the day you realized that your mom was a real live person and not just a mom. I surely remember it!
Well, like we grow out of clothes, sometimes we grow out of people, too. That may sound like a bad thing to say, but it’s true. In middle school you may have grown out of the group of friends you had been with since preschool. After high school, you may have grown out of your friends from home and moved on to friends that you met at college. It’s perfectly natural as we get older… promise!
At this point in my college career, my friends have shifted from the people I met my first semester to the people in my classes. For the last 2 years, I have had the same group of people in class, so we were bound to become friends at some point. It’s a different type of friend circle, too – it’s less “Hey, let’s hang and watch trash TV” and more “Let’s go to lunch and talk about life and stuff”. So weird, but I like it.
Your friends may not “get” it, your family might not understand why you haven’t talked about so-and-so in a while, but rest assured that your itch for a change is not nutty. At a certain point in your life, you may want to surround yourself with people who are moving forward in the same direction as you. Doing something, if you will.
That phrase, “You are what you eat.” is similar to “You are who you surround yourself with.” If you eat nothing but junk food and candy, your body will not be very happy. If you surround yourself with people who are not supporting you in doing what you want to do or being who you want to be, deep down, you will not be happy.
If you never study for a test in a subject you are not the best in, you won’t get the results you want. But if you put in time and effort to study, you’re more likely to make a grade you’re happy with. Right? Similarly, if you don’t work to surround yourself with people that will help you and believe in you, it can be difficult to grow as a person.
Overall, life is so much easier (and more enjoyable) when you are surrounded by the people who don’t weigh you down, and who inspire you to be the best person you can. So, while your lifelong friends may be awesome, if they aren’t helping you towards being the absolute best person you can be, it may be time to re-think your surroundings.
And if all else fails, remember what our girl LC said on The Hills, “… at this point I would so much rather have, like, a few good friends than a lot of fake friends.” Preach.
Thoughts?
Have you ever grown out of your group of friends? How did you handle it? Have you had the same group of friends forever and can’t imagine ever letting them go? How do you deal with major life changes? Leave a comment and let us know.
Posted on on November 20, 2011 / Filed Under: College Life / Tags: college, Friends, friendships, lifestyle, relationships
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Jennifer
As painful as it can be, just like breaking up with significant others that aren’t working out, you sometimes need to do that with friends as well.
Lauren
Oh, I love this post. I agree with Jennifer- it can be hard to leave old friends behind, but sometimes it’s necessary.
Once you grow into your own skin, it’s weird looking around and seeing that you’re surrounded by people who aren’t much like you at all. Sometimes it’s a good thing- different perspectives and all… but yeah, it gets lonely even when you’re in a crowd.
Hannah
I have known my best friend since 7th grade and another since 4th. I understand what you’re saying, but there just aren’t that many close friends I lost touch with. It may be normal to get new friends, but it’s also normal to keep your old friends. Growing up doesn’t have to mean dropping friends because you no longer see things eye to eye. Heck my sister is still friends with her friends from 2nd grade and they’re 30 now. If someone’s a truly bad friend then ya I would say to get out of that, but besides that at least trying to stay in contact is the way to go.
Paula*
I can totally identify. After high school I started drifting apart from some of my close friends. Not because they were bad friends, we just no longer had the same interests and when we hung out it just wasn’t as fun. However, I’m still friends with a few people I knew in middle school, and I’ve also become closer to people I only saw as acquaintances in high school. Of course I’ve also met new people in college.
I didn’t mean to go on so long :p I just know how it feels to let go of friends who used to be really close. It sucks for a while, but eventually you meet new people :)
Blair
I agree with Hannah.
As I have matured, I have grown to recognize that our relationships (friendships included) become different, but in a good way. As a 22 year old in college, I now know that being intentional about my friendships is absolutely essential if you want to maintain your bond.
I cannot simply drop my friends just because they, for example, are going in a different occupational direction than I am. I agree that letting those friends who are negative or unmotivated to ‘do something’ with their lives is a bright idea, how the friends I have are those who I respect and who I have confidence in will achieve their desired results.
Friendships are too precious to just give up. Thinking the way this article suggests does not accept responsibility for maintaining friendships. They, in my opinion, are much more likely to outlast a romantic relationship. I consider some of my friends to be family. Friendships are among my top priorities. They contribute so much to our lives. Recognize that and cherish them. Be intentional and put in the effort to make them meaningful and important.
lulu
i’m in that situation right now but with my bf who i have been living him for 1 year and i dont know what to do, he thinks everything is perfectly fine and he still wants to be with me and i still wanna be with him but like an upgraded version of him,not the person who is right now.. sorry for my grammar mistakes english is not my native language..
Anne
This post comes at a perfect time-thanks for making me feel so much better about what I’m going through at the moment. Couldn’t agree more! :)
Ana
Blair pretty much summed up what I think.
I’ve known a couple of my closest friends since 1st grade (we’re 20 now) and even if we don’t have as much in common as we once did they’re like family, and you don’t lose contact with family just because you don’t have that much in common.
Theresa
Wow, this post came at the perfect time. I’m right in the middle of the transition between groups of friends and I’ve been feeling really torn. Thank you for this post, it really puts a perspective on what I want my friends to be and who I want to be surrounded by.
lindsey
I am going through something similar and coming across this post was my saving grace. I feel so much better and it motivated me to make some changes in my life!
Justine
I understand this now more than ever. However, I’m not sure how to get out of a friendship that is doing me more harm than good, especially when I live with the person. Any advice?
Heidi
It feels so good to know that the transitions I went through when it came to changing social circles is something totally normal. I may have a core group from my high school, we don’t see each other as much as we used to back in our freshman year in college (but we still love each other to bits and hang out when we can). I thought I was being fickle for loving the company I have right now in college. I’ve ditched the ones that do nothing but weigh me down and do stuff I’m not comfortable with and stayed with the ones who understand me. It’s an amazing feeling really, to find the right group of friends. :)
Charlotte
Wow, I needed this so much right now. I just had to “break-up” with one of my best friends from high school. Thank you so much for writing about this. We’re meeting this week to talk everything over and I’ll keep these things in mind :)
Alice
This article has such perfect timing. This semester, I’ve switched my circle of friends from the dormmates I had freshman year to people in my classes. I’ve also wondered whether I’m making the right decision, because it’s not as though I want to completely leave behind my old friends…but I’d just rather hang out with this group because there’s no drama, just simple enjoyment from being together. This post was so helpful, because now I know that I’m not alone! I thought that it was really strange that I was switching social circles, but I know now that I’m doing the right thing :)
Kimberly
It is definitely true that one goes through seasons of friendships. One must remember though that people are placed in our lives for a reason. Sometimes we need to be the one that is pouring into others and encouraging them to accomplish their best in life. I think this is important to know sometimes we need to be the supportive of our friends, even if they are not the most supportive of us. I don’t mean to say that we need to surround ourselves with terrible friends, just to remember that some friendships take a bit of sacrifice and work, we need to always strive to be the kind of friend that we would want others to be to us…that’s all!
Amie
You make a really important point when you write, “Similarly, if you don’t work to surround yourself with people that will help you and believe in you, it can be difficult to grow as a person.” I think the word “work” is incredibly important to any friendship that is likely to be worthwhile. We have to work toward finding friends who inspire us to grow and become a better person. Similarly, we should put an equal amount of work into being the kind of friend who inspires our friends to also be the best people they can be.
I think the test of a friendship being worthwhile is whether each party is willing to put in the necessary work. If neither are, then it really is time to call it quits.
Gabrielle
I could not agree more with this post! I am currently in my third semester of college and have not so much “grown out” of my old group of friends, but our friendships have matured/evolved and we understand that we simply do not have the time or energy to put forth like we used to; which in turn makes the little time that we get to spend together that much more valuable.
The friends I have made in college are exactly like you said, the eat lunch and talk about life type of friends, and as I have been growing up I feel like that is what I need right now. I think it is important to always have your few friends that no matter what they are just a phone call away, but it is also important to branch out and meet people who share the same passion and ambitions with you.
thisizkim
Very, very true. Sometimes you just need to cut the bad ones out of your life and make room for the new ones.
Kimmie
“Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold
on. The older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.”
I’m sorry, but before any of you decide to give up on a friendship, think about it, and talk it out with that person. Ofcourse eating out with college friends is cool, but there will never be anything like the best friends who knew you when you were twelve, the kind of people you could call at 3:00 am to talk about whatever. The older you get, the harder I think it is to really get close to people.
And you don’t want to give up on a friendship and lose touch with someone, and then that person ends up passing away. That happend to me, and then I realized that life is too short to just let go of friends, for reasons that in the end will seem so trivial and insignificant. So, now, I’m choosing to make the first step, to make a mends with the good and best friends I have lost touch with. You don’t ever want to look back on your life, and regret giving up too easily on dear lifetime friends.
So, before you make that choice, really think it over and talk it over. Real good friends are hard to come by, don’t give them up with out a fight.
Diana
This post also came at the perfect time for me I have been struggling to let go of some friends but I have felt like it was totally one sided and that I was the only one putting effort into remaining friends I guess when it’s time to let go its time to let go and this really puts it into perspective and is making my decision easier.
Maya
I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one dealing with this. I read in the comments about a lot of people saying that this article came at the perfect time for them and it did for me too. I recently had an intense fight with someone I thought was my best friend and have since realized that our relationship has become more of a burden on me than anything else. I’m truly sad to say that I think this relationship has run it’s course but I am also glad to have come to this realization and now feel like I can move on.
Jessica
I just want to say that this little article was EXACTLY what I needed. Since I started college two years ago I’ve been slowly drifting away from my high school friends. As much as I tried to keep them close, I realized that they’re not going the same direction I’m going. I hate to say this, but being around them brought me down because I didn’t want to do what they wanted to do anymore, we grew apart. But I’m so glad that I read this, now I know that I’m not alone out there, and that tons of other girls feel the same way. Thank you<3
Devon
ahh good old lauren conrad speaks the truth once more.
I recently dumped 99% friends because they were too fake (I would know fake, I’m in a sorority, but even my sisters had nothing on this group of people) and actually made me feel like crap every time I was with them.
I’m just really happy now that I’m done with them. They still spread nasty rumours about me, but I know that if anyone I knew from before is a real friend, they would know the truth from the lie.
Besides, your friends shouldn’t put you down, they’re the one’s that pick you up.
Bella
this is a great article! when I left highschool for college I felt really bad because I felt that my “friends” were not ra good influence for me. turned out I was absolutley right about them, since they were talking behind my back about me etc, but still it took me a while to realize that it wasn’t my fault and that it was okay to leave them behind. they are still so highschool-drama-like.
Mieya
I just went thur this. I had a friend since elementary and ever since hs graduation we haven’t seen eachother. She met a guy and had a baby. I move to ga and follow my dreams to model and change my atmaspare. I miss her Alot but I know it’s for the better.
Mia
Great post! It’s true that you can tell where a person’s life(path) is headed by looking at the friends they hang out with. But, maybe you can be the ‘chain breaker’ in a certain negative group and shed positive light so that they can follow you :)
Nike'
This is exactly how I feel!! The ppl that I would hang around always made me feel less of myself so I just started hanging out with them less and less, and now we rarely hang out. And now I’m finding other ppl to hang out with