The Monstrous List of Fashion Monsters

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Halloween jack o lanterns

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We wave October farewell, summoning all sorts of seasonal monsters, witches, ghosts, celebrities, and devils for Halloween, then cowardly choose to forget that some monsters survive the autumn blues to haunt us throughout the year.

While everyone knows their personal monsters - for example, pixies of anxieties and the gargoyle of sadness - today let's classify and learn how to avoid the most eccentric, fun, and light ones: common fashion monsters.

Vampires of Outdated Advice

Vampires of O.A. have been around for ages, as vampires are moderately immortal creatures. They've seen it all: Adam and Eve wearing leaves, medieval ladies in corsets, mods, punks, emos of 2007, Cher in 1970, Louis XIV in stockings, etc. Naturally, they think they know the rules of elegance best of all and, despite their notorious reputation, being quite kind, want to help you make the right fashion choices.

They compel someone - your friend, your mom, grandmom, grand-grandmom? - to constantly give you unwanted and old-fashioned advice. "Don't mix patterns," the vampires say. "We can see your bra," they sigh and shake their heads. "You can't pull off red tights" or "too much skin can summon the dead" or "pink is a girly color."

Elle lace trend

"Mom, what do you mean I can't wear lace to class?" | ELLE

It can be tricky to win against the vampires of outdated advice, but some garlic of singing Bon Jovi's "It's my life, it's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever" in your mind should do the trick. In the end, you want to be able to say, in the wise words of Yeats: "I have lived many lives. I have been a slave and prince," too. I have worn many outfits, many personalities. I have been the fairy of rose petal pink and the red lipstick of innocent blood, the belle of the ball and the villain of the story, the bohemian rhapsody and the glittery pop.

Ghosts of Outfits Past

These transparent apparitions invade your mind in the form of a thought: "I know how to wear this!" You pick an item and instantly remember all the ways you have worn it before: those red jeans went with that navy blazer, didn't they? Then the ghosts get out of your head, laugh at you, do a little dance of evil and hide in the washing machine waiting for the next day mind invasion.

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Defeat the ghosts of repetition. (Credit)

While in the zeitnot of college, the ghosts may even come in handy, but they also make dressing up boring. It is in your best interest to get rid of them by dismissing your first choice of combination, doing a challenge of wearing the same dress differently every day of the week, or simply dedicating more time to picking clothes. Fashion should be fun and unpredictable. Matchy-matchy is something only advised by the above-mentioned vampires.

Wardrobe Spirits

Wardrobe spirits are tiny, cute, and fluffy. They make nests in your wardrobe to raise their young. The spirits don't like to be bothered, which is why they adore clothes that you never wear. Sometimes a few of them even sneak into your pocket and come shopping with you. They tell you the dress will look great if you combine it in an interesting way or if you lose 5 pounds. They are big fans of deals and sales. "It's so cheap," they whisper, "why not?" Old clothes fueled by nostalgia or those with malfunctions are also a favorite of the wardrobe spirits.

Full closet

A full closet... that spirits can nest in. (Credit)

You need only a day to get rid of spirits, but it can be difficult to change your outlook on buying clothes. Firstly, you need to donate or get rid of clothes that don't fit, clothes that you haven't worn in the last year, and clothes that you wouldn't be comfortable wearing (I can't be the only one who has a fedora with mini skeletons on it, can I?). Then start asking yourself one simple question when shopping: "Would I wear this today and feel fantabulous?" Only buy if the answer is yes.

The Dress with a Superiority Complex

These are the true villains of fashion monsters. Some clothes can have inferiority complexes (for example, your college sweatshirt, probably) and some, to the contrary, make the wearer feel inferior. Light blue skinny jeans from freshman year, crop tops, and bodycon dresses that look somewhat different on Cara Delevingne can be quite evil and superior: not fitting into these or not looking like you think you're supposed to look can even hurt a person's self-esteem.

Hair bow elle

They only semi-pull it off. | ELLE

The way to deal with a dress with a complex? Develop one yourself. After all, the clothes are meant to fit you, not vice-versa. If you are fine with how you look now, don't let an old dress or a badly made one ruin your day. We change our shape and content, taste and dreams, friends and beliefs, location and hair color. There were no good old days. These are the good old days.


Have you encountered any of these? What about other fashion monsters? Tell me what you're thinking by leaving a comment below.

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