Of course, the main fashion advice is not to listen to anyone’s fashion advice, but if I were the fashion god I would still forbid Crocs – just kidding, they’re funny. If I were the fashion god I would probably fix many things about the industry, not the humans just wearing clothes and going around their business. Then again, if I were the Main God, I’d probably fix stuff about the planet, instead of having a press release of commandments, too, but that’s a whole different story.
I don’t know much about Balenciaga S/S ’15, but having lived a life full of fashion passes, here are 10 pieces of empirically gathered fashion advice:
1. Get Naked
The fashion advice to end all fashion advice. Destroy fashion – wear no clothes. But wait, before you get arrested for indecent exposure, I don’t mean literally. It is a healthy and beautiful thing to have a body; I’m sorry for any spirits reading this, but it’s true.
Whether you’re like a lady from a Botticelli painting or like a secondary character in a Hollywood rom-com, you’re still art, gurl. Get comfortable with your body. Don’t use clothes as a hiding place. Get flower crowns and let your hair down. Light some cinnamon-scented candles or whatever. Be a hippie.
2. Get Inspired
Fashion inspiration is all around us: in the way we imagine fictional characters, in the marketing of our favorite brands, in #ootd-s and lookbooks, ’60s models and the coolest people you know. Dress up with joy and magic. If someday you “omg, literally cannot,” then don’t. The world will get by with your natural face and anything you found in the closet wrapped around your body. Preserve the fun of fashion at all costs.
3. Moderate the high heels and tone down the weird chemicals
High heels are just bad for you: you can’t climb Mount Everest wearing them, you can’t run as fast as the average mildly vicious person, dancing is more likely to cripple you, they put too much pressure on your veins, etc.
Weird chemicals in cosmetics also age the skin and probably have some other negative effects of which, as a pseudo intellectual, I’m not aware. If the goal is to stay young and vibrant, like Dorian Gray, often ditch the foundation for just concealer and add some Ben’s Bees Knees or whatever natural products you find.
4. The 50/50 rule
Sometimes a piece of clothing is something exquisite on its own; has golden embroidery, a cool message or an interesting color. Sometimes all you can find on a shopping trip is fillers: black tights, a gray jacket, a classic bag, etc. Keep the proportion about 50-50.
The Germans keep it 20-80: 20% of their outfit is original and the rest is filler. The French do 65-35 (Yes, these numbers are totally accurate and true and statistics): only 35% filler. I find that the 50/50 balance works best, but feel free to experiment and share.
5. Always Accessorize
Accessories give off the impression that you’re trying for “a look,” because they’re so unnecessary, so I often skip them. I really shouldn’t. If fall hats and antique rings aren’t important in life, what is? Why is it so hard to admit we care about how we look? That’s an essential part of being human. The reason is probably that we’re afraid of failure.
Trying to be stylish and failing is a miserable endeavor. Not trying and failing is the norm. “Not trying,” but being is the goal: the intentional speaks of character and confidence in taste.
6. Seek Rarities
Hipsters are welcome in my fashion religion: flea markets, vintage, and antique shops offer a diversity you can’t find in the Can’t-Be-Named-Because-You-Know-Them-Already college girl favorites. Another tip is to wait forever while your clothes ship from international websites. As we’ve mentioned before, everything Parisian is more fashionable in England and vice-versa. Pull’n’bear, anyone?
7. Get Age Inappropriate
Trust me: your 20’s are the right time to dress like your grandmother Adelaide with four cats and a husband. Only if that’s a look you’re generally into, of course. Now that you’re young and vibrant, a bit of sophistication catches people off-guard.
In case you decide to maintain the youthful demeanor, start getting sporty as you get older. Jeans are excellent in your 40’s. Artificial hair is great in your 30’s. Pull the Dorian Gray again and leave your soul to decay in a portrait – or I guess I meant just play with style expectations.
8. Get Personal
Pay attention to what you wear. Some people only ever remember what they wore to their wedding, but it is nice to look at a dress thinking: “Ah, it’s the one I wore on our 19th date. We went ice-skating and he almost lost an arm because of me, but I made him hot chocolate afterwards and never broke his heart.” Or “Lovely – my pet hamster Maga’s funeral.”
Clothes can store moods and vibes. Some are clothified coziness, others smell like nostalgic teen spirit or offer shelter when you need it. Once you learn the art of manipulating clothes into moods, it’ll be easy to get artsy/business professional/gothic/Virginia-Woolf-y as needed.
9. The Russian Rule
Russian women are renowned for their beauty, but at times it seems like that particular brand of beauty is too typically-male-oriented. They have a saying: “A well-groomed woman is ready for a photo shoot in lingerie any day of her life.” Quite a stretch, isn’t it? But the amount of energy and confidence that comes from following it makes it half worth the effort.
Hence, the solution is just to follow the saying whenever you feel like it. This commandment is like the part in the actual Bible about not laying with men – we don’t actually mean it.
10. Make cool tights a thing.
Last, but not least: tights. The beige transparent ones are ugly and should be banned. Instead look at all the choices: tights with floral prints, tights in neon pink, pale purple fishnets, slimming gray, fattening white, tights in fractal patterns, contrasting with shoes, in teal, red, whatever. Anything goes. Anything but ordinary.
Which of these would be your fashion commandments? Which ones do you agree with? Tell us in the comments.